From Erin Cusick

I’ve struggled to write this for an entire year as it feels I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. And anything I would say is so insignificant compared to everything you brought into this world. All I can say is my memories of you remain eternally vivid in my mind… until we meet again.

The great majority of my memories with you involve illicit activities or getting up to no good… (you know what I mean). It was almost a sure accompaniment to your company. I remember a specific time our sophomore year, we and another friend were assigned a difficult acting scene.  We were in my backyard, half rehearsing, half shooting the shit and of course ending with a smoke. After you both had left, my dad was out in the yard and stumbled upon an empty, your empty, dime bag. Me, being 15, and for lack of a better term a “goody two shoes”, immediately pointed blame elsewhere. Not directly to you at first, but after a bit of interrogating and tears, I hastily put the blame on you. My father offered you a choice: write a paper on the negative effects of marijuana, or he’d tell your parents. Having been caught many times by your own parents, you readily chose the former option. You wrote the paper and my dad kept it for many years after. In hindsight, I should have written that paper for you, better yet, I should have just taken the blame. But you were never mad at me. You didn't ignore me or stop hanging out with me or stop being my friend. Maybe you respected me less, were disappointed that I wasn’t braver, thought of me as a bad friend or a snitch. But you never got mad. I tell this story to many people, people who knew you and people who didn't. All of them laugh. An anecdote of our teenage years, a testament to your loyalty.

We didn’t keep in contact much after high school, which saddens me but is almost expected. We did see each other occasionally after, at a mutual friends party or concert, but never just us. Never making the effort to be in the others life like we had in the past. I regret this. Still, the world felt your presence, even from afar. And the world can sure feel your absence.

I often think about what I might say to you if I were to see you now.  If you ever thought about me the way I’m thinking about you. If anything I said would even matter to you. All I know now is that I’m feeling this loss, I am longing to hear your laugh, and I really miss you.